its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
And then he peed in my hair
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