Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
