I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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