why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
