Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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