Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
