So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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