So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
