just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
