i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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