i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
