epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
