I wish I only lived at night.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
