I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There r osticjed everywhere
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
