3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
