I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
