i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
