not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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