I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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