I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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