walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
