after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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