Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
