imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
