I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
