I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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