He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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