She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
