I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
