and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
God I need to hump something, right now.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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