Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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