I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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