idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
