I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
two words...techno handjob
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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