my soul wont recognize me after tonight
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
