At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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