I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
