I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Randomize
