theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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