I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
