Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
