i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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