the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
