for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
