i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
