I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
