I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
