my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My cat gives me a boner
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
