saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
