four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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