I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
