nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
