so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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