i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
