Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
