if i can run in heels then i can drive
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
