I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
