Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
