When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
